He thinks I don’t care. He thinks I think this is just an inconvenience that can be sorted. It’s not. I’m clinging onto a cliff top by my fingertips with the wind howling cruelly and desperately trying to throw me off. And there’s a group of people on top of the cliff telling me to pull myself back up but offering no hand to help.
I’m weak, I’m in pain and I’m scared. I’m scared that by not going ahead with the pregnancy a part of him will resent me forever, that it will erode his love because he wants a child and I’m the monster who’s going to kill it. But it’s not a baby. It’s a 3 week old cell that’s clawing at my womb that has already caused hospitalisation because doctors thought it might be ectopic…My body seems to want to reject it. I’m getting waves of pain every hour but the doctors can’t be bothered to find out why.
The first doctor I saw before hospital wouldn’t even take me seriously. He told me if I continued to be hysterical and irrational he’d get nowhere. He said he needed a good reason to sign me off to not become a mother. When I said I have mental health issues he rolled his eyes and said that since I want a termination, hopefully I’d miscarry in the next few days and it wouldn’t be a problem any more. I’m drowning in guilt.
It’s a decision that will be my responsibility for the rest of my life. A child who would be born into a world of instability and depression, who would have to grow up before its time just like I did. A child who’s mother may or may not be able to fight forever which could end in having only one parent. How can I put an innocent through that? But then I see his hope and think maybe it could work. Maybe a child would help me. After all, family is all I want - the most precious wish is for me to create a new being with the person I love…but not yet. Joe and I have been together 5 months. Our relationship has been tumultuous from the start, with accusations of lies and cheating and stalking in the air and the issue of trust being a recurrent theme in conversation or argument. Somehow he sees it all with rose tinted glasses. Maybe because his upbringing wasn’t stable. Maybe because I’m a doubtful person because of past relationships. But what if the relationship falters - I couldn’t deal with the pressure or the heartbreak. And there’s no guarantee at this point that it will last.
Maybe in a few years with the right treatment I’ll be fit to become a mother but at the moment I’m considering suicide on a daily basis. I want to punish myself for being so stupid to allow this to happen. I want to punish myself for not being what he wants me to be, for not feeling how he wants me to feel, for not trusting the relationship enough to take the risk, for being so selfish to want to be able to stand on my own two feet and enjoy life before I give my life and soul to something I create.
And he says he’ll support me with my decision 100% but I can hear a coldness in his voice. He said his thoughts are obviously irrelevant to me; he said this situation is consuming him and that he wants to forget it as soon as it’s dealt with. I wish it were that easy. I’ll never forgive myself for this and I’d never forgive myself for having the child and causing it inevitable pain. That’s if I reached full term. I’m at high risk of an ectopic pregnancy and stress in any pregnancy can cause miscarriage - what if I chose to keep it and let him down anyway by not being physically fit enough to deliver him a child?
I dread the distance this will cause between us, the wall that will go up as a result. I dread the disappointment in his eyes. I dread him holding me when I want to hurt for what I’m going to do, I dread his kisses because I won’t believe them. I dread the sex because it will remind me of this and make me feel guilty, and I dread my reactions to everything because its not his fault but he’ll take it personally.
I’m trying to pretend I’m ok. I hold the responsibility of several people with mental health issues’ welfare at work. I have university work to keep on top of alone. I’m receiving no mental health support at all because it’s no longer the responsibility of the CMHT team that I was under, because I voluntarily left a treatment that was making me worse. So I have to reach for help from square one again. And he’s struggling so much himself.
I need help. We both do.
"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.”